Finally

I took the plunge and bought a satellite decoder. I may not get any good American channels, but I do get Al Jazeera, TV Monde, and Die Erste! How thrilling. Actually there are a few channels in English: CNBC Europe, BBC World, CNN International and Sky News. I try to stick to BBC... American media aren't what they used to be. One day I may speak with a British accent as a joke. It's already been discussed with a coworker, but a dare has not been officially issued. Oh, and how could I forget MTV. It's fun watching Nick Lachey drop the bomb without it being bleeped. About 80% of the stuff on there is in English with German subtitles. The only American show that I've seen dubbed is American Dad. Yeah, that makes sense. You all know how much I hate MTV... it's really taken a lot to dumb myself down enough to watch it.

I also purchased my first Region 2/PAL DVDs for my region free DVD player. It's cheaper to buy from the Germans than tax free from the Americans. Fabulous. My purchases: der Soldat James Ryan (Saving Private Ryan) and Old School: Unzensiert (Old School: Unrated). Yes, I already have backup copies of these movies, but I'm a big fan of humor and irony. Plus it's funny to switch between German and English audio. I will leave this topic untouched so that you smartasses can go to town.

Plan for tomorrow: a trip to a free Toby Keith concert (if I can convince myself to miss bowling day!!)

No Stairway? Denied!

Okay, so I may have been a little ticked off when U2 came to DC on my birthday only to find out that I would have to spend 2 weeks in scenic Fort Jackson, South Carolina studying the ins and outs of Army financial management. It just got worse considering I had been asked to go to the concert when tickets were going for several hundred dollars on Ebay. (He may have been drunk, but I still considered it a legit offer.)

Similar situations keep popping up here. I got an offer to go to Paris this weekend. Naturally I'll probably be working late on Friday and already have plans for the weekend. I am convinced that I only get offers when another offer has already been extended. Keep in mind that I haven't done anything the last couple weekends (well, excluding the crazy bonfire and my pathetic attempt to act like I'm in college again). Just my luck. At least I'll get to see some football this weekend. It may be NFL Europe, but I'm sure there are occasionally some decent plays.

The ultimate slap to the face: the World Cup will be 20 miles away from me. Not only that, but England will be playing there and everyone knows of my passion to see real life hooligans (from a safe distance, of course.) Plus I like to operate under the assumption that I would meet a smart, well-mannered British hottie at the game, thus allowing me to quit working forever. Or at least quit working for awhile. I'd get bored. I swear the FIFA website is the most worthless bit of technology ever created. It teases me by saying there are tickets available only to be denied after several attempts. I don't even want to see the US play. They probably suck. I just want to hit up some England/Paraguay. There always seem to be tickets available for the Iran and Tunisia games. I suppose unless I want to see Iran (which has been all but banned by the Army - not that I'm that stupid anyway), I'll be watching this at home if I can manage to hook up a satellite decoder by then. Watching soccer in German can be nothing but fun. This rocks.

The Florida Gators aren't the only "in" gators this year...

Such is my luck. I left a DC area gator only to find another promptly upon my arrival to Deutschland. This gator hunt, however, has helped to further expand the gator definition as well as add other terms to the Tara lexicon.

Definitions to be explored in this blog: reptile, gator, cheetah, poisonous dart frog, jaguar – remember, this is a work in progress and is subject to change at any time without notice.

REPTILE/AMPHIBIAN: To keep it easy, we’ll call all men reptiles or amphibians. These terms are interchangeable and any specific species can be utilized depending on the characteristics of a specific male. (EXCEPTION: a certain individual would prefer to be addressed as da mule. We'll humor him.)

GATOR (old definition): Creepy stalker who creates reasons to track and/or hunt unsuspecting prey. (Author’s note: The prey was previously referred to as the wildebeest. This changed when the prey saw a picture and decided that wildebeests are ugly. Perhaps a cute cheetah, leopard, or something of that nature will be used in the future. SEE BELOW.) The gator often remains in the shadows while investigating the prey’s habitat (Example: staring at the prey’s empty cubicle for no apparent reason while she is gone for two weeks of training.) Prey remains clueless because she prefers to think that she has no gators.

GATOR (new definition): Overly enthusiastic, recently hatched prowler who bestows unwanted attention on the prey. The gator vocalizes his enjoyment of courting activities such as snout touching and backrubbing. Fortunately his feminine side prevents him from taking action on these desires. The prey of this gator has changed from clueless/naive and now assumes that all reptiles/amphibians are gators, thereby avoiding reptiles/amphibians altogether in order to evade additional awkwardness.

CHEETAH: New definition for the PREY. Cheetahs only become the prey when they are too lazy to do anything else (see picture above). The cheetah prefers to be the aggressor and can run away at high speeds from any gators (Example: a cheetah can fly down the autobahn at 100mph to leave the gator stranded at his swamphole.) Besides, what cheetah needs a gator when she has a rabbit around? (That last line is an inside joke. Do not attempt to get an explanation. There is none.)

POISONOUS DART FROG: This companion to the gator and (in this case) cheetah often finds himself making bad decisions when it comes to giving advice to the gator. This animal seems friendly enough but has enough venom to drop a monkey. The poisonous dart frog encourages the gator to stalk the prey despite the frequent requests of the cheetah to stop these activities. This does not in any way endear the poisonous dart frog to the cheetah and will likely lead to the poisonous dart frog becoming an “it” before too long.

JAGUAR: Close in relation to the cheetah, but not quite as cool. The jaguar is the close friend of the cheetah and often helps the cheetah “keep it real” when it comes to the gator. In the cheetah’s absence, the gator may find himself talking to the jaguar in order to get information about his prey. He will come to the jaguar as he “struggles” without the cheetah. The cheetah and jaguar have been known to throw the Sahara into upheaval by playing pranks on the lions and tigers. Thankfully speed is the ally of both the jaguar and cheetah and they have been able to escape (so far).

Bottom line: It might be wise to take the advice of the National Park Service: never get within 15 feet of the gator.

Further documentation: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3903967.stm

Red! Red! Red!

Happy May Day/International Workers' Day! I post this worthless message in honor of my favorite communist friend, Laura, and my Union enthusiast cousin, whose name will go unmentioned because he's shy. You know who you are, big guy. Laura's not really a communist (at least I think) but it sure is fun to call her a pinko. I'm fairly confident that this commie talk is going to get me fired. Well, this or any of the chats I had on Army Instant Messenger today. You know who you are, troublemakers... The man is always watching.

For those that don't know, May 1st is Labor Day for the rest of the world. European workers went on strike to support a strike in Chicago back in the day. Of course the US can't celebrate this holiday with everyone else because it's a big communist/socialist holiday. Frankly I'm tempted to call Laura to see if she called in "sick" to support her comrades. I might have been tempted to do that had it not been a free day for me anyway. The Germans were off work again for the third holiday they've had since I got here two months ago. I love it. I'm jealous that I'm not off playing in the sun like them, but then again it's pretty sweet to get work done when it's quiet while still having time to be, um, less productive. :)

For my next blog: the greatest legit scam ever that allows me to lock in gas at $2.54 a gallon for quite awhile... Then again, maybe I'll keep that to myself to avoid the wrath.