Good Times

Japan is a blast! But before I get to that, I should talk about some of the other random things I did before I got here... The last week in Germany was a blur. Totally insane. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have expected to have my parents visit for a week, pack out the next two days, and ship a car all during my last week of work, where I was still expected to contribute. I spent my last few days with friends and freaking out about packing everything. Shipping my car was a 3-day ordeal, but I suppose it's worth the stories. I can't wait for the paycheck to come in for that one... I'm looking for a Mini here, but will probably get a midget Nissan instead. I can't wait to post pictures of that one! Cars start around $500 so whatever I get will be much cheaper than my selling price for Scarlett.

No big shock here: I went to see Harry Potter in German as one of the last things I did on the Sunday I left Deutschland. I know more German that I thought, but it helps that I knew what was supposed to be happening.

There was a moderate earthquake on my first day here. It was noticeable enough that computer screens moved, but I'm told that's normal. It's fun (as long as nothing gets destroyed). My coworkers are cool. There might be a lot of work, but at least it won't be as painful as DRM-G. I spent 10 days without internet. There was nothing in my hotel room and I still don't have a login at work. That means I wandered around in 90 degree heat (massive humidity) getting used to my new digs. I got an apartment 2 days after I arrived--another dilemma since I didn't have anything other than clothes. It's sooooo tiny, but I'm sure it'll be fine when my things arrive in 3 months. For now it's me and some borrowed furniture and plates. How exciting. I've already been shopping off-post on a couple of occasions and love the cute stores they have in the mall. Everyone says I'll be able to save money. I take that as a challenge not to! The food is fabulous and I'm already decent at chopsticks. I didn't make a fool of myself, even on my first try at the sushi bar.

The bad part: there's a bar (they call it a club though I'm not sure I'd agree) on post that's a 5 minute walk from my place. I went there on Friday with a new friend/coworker. She's going to get me into a lot of trouble. "Just one more drink" got us both completely trashed. This isn't the kind of club to scope out hotties, so we basically spent several hours making fun of people when we didn't slip away to play penny slots. Good times.

The best part was having to wake up at 7 the next morning to go to a car auction with a friend. She couldn't tell that I had been drinking the night before. Another plus, though it shows that I really hadn't been drinking enough. :) There was a festival on post later that night so I didn't really get any down time. The Bon Odori is huge. They open the post to let all the Japanese come to it. I've learned that anything with fireworks will attract the local population. We ate and walked around for awhile, but watched the fireworks from home. Who wants to sit in the heat for fireworks when they have them all the time?

Random fact of the day: Japan's DUI limit is .03. If a driver is pulled over for a DUI, everyone in the car gets arrested. I guess I should be glad I'm close to a bar... I'll be scared to sniff a beer or let anyone else sniff a beer before getting into a car.

I think that about sums it up for now. I'm not much of a talker...

Insert clever title here

I think it's no surprise that I'd become a huge nerd around the time the final HP comes out. I woke up at 4am this morning with my newest theory. I have no idea how it came to me at that particular time. It must be the pre-move jitters that are getting me crazy. If anything, it got Thomas to call me... even though it was when I was barely coherent.

Anyway... I'll put here that I think Voldy and Neville bite the dust. We can laugh about this next week when we find out that I'm wrong. I know I've said all along that Harry would die, but I don't see that happening given the "2 big deaths" theory. It would be too cliche for Harry and Voldy to die and I don't see the book ending too negatively.

In my final tribute to my current host country, I'm not touching the book until I'm at the airport Sunday afternoon. I owe it to Germany to spend my last few hours doing stupid things like drinking beer and eating schnitzels. This is a big sacrifice since I could have been done with the book in that 40 hour period. Prost!

If anyone spoils the ending for me, you will be taken care of by one of my goons. You're been warned.

More evidence that I'm a mega-nerd

The procrastination this time wasn't nearly as long as expected so quit yer bitchin (that's for Lord Thomas). So... the last week has probably been the longest in my life. My parents came for a visit and we drove to Normandy for 3 days while they were here. While it was one of the best places that I've visited in my 16 months in Germany, it probably wasn't the best idea to follow the 9 hour drive back with a midnight showing of Harry Potter... Having all of my possessions packed up the next day was probably another clue that I should have held off for awhile, but let no one say that I'm not dedicated.

A shoutout goes to Maria for being the coolest person I know (or at the very least the coolest German that I know). She braved a late night trip to Frankfurt to watch HP in English rather than going to the theater in her town. Big cool points for that one... especially since we can't go anywhere without some kind of incident (what happened in Ireland stays in Ireland...) We're waiting for Ian (formerly my GPS) to boot up to make our way back to Hanau when a car of 4 males pulls along side of us. I'm not sure if they thought we were hookers or not, but a fun attempted pick-up moment nonetheless... 30 seconds later as we pull up to a stoplight, it happens again. This time it's a British guy who likes to stick his tongue out. Having the steering wheel on the right side made things more interesting on that one since he was about 2 feet from Maria's face. :) I'm sure this isn't funny to anyone else, but we had a good time with it.

The question remains whether another joint blog will need to occur... I personally don't think there's as much material in this movie, but I'm sure we could make an effort if motivated. We'll see if Lisa and JT (my new alter-ego) can get motivated enough.

Like a phoenix resurrected from the flames of obscurity...

As if I was going to pass up blogging during Harry Potter time! Thanks to Lisa for a clever play on the phoenix concept that I was nerdy enough to bring up... The real blog will occur when it's not 4:30 in the morning and I've had time to properly reflect on everything that has come up today. Long car rides through France, HP at 2am, and Frankfurt hooker stories: all in a day's work. Stay tuned (seriously this time!!)

Germania no longer...

I'll blame my lack of blogging on the fact that blogger.com now pops up in German. I guess that won't matter for much longer since I'm moving to Japan. :) I'll pretend to make a conscious effort to blog more often, though I think we all know that it won't last long. Ger-mania barely hit a few months... but that's how I roll. Any suggestions for a new blog name?

130 days, 19 hours, and 2 minutes

Written by guest blogger Seamus McChuggsalot (AKA my brother), who is much funnier than I am.

Isn't this an interesting photo of the Bear storm bearing down on "Miami"? I use the quotations because, of course, that's Hurricane Katrina, and the city in the crosshairs, of course, is New Orleans. I'm still not sure if I should be completely insulted, or just chalk it up as being the antics from yet another ignorant Bears fan. I won't even comment on the people that are spreading it around faster than you can use the words "Rex Grossman" and "dipshit" in a sentence... (Tara's note: this forward was received from our mother. The will should be rewritten to compensate for this insult.)

It's just that whenever I see anything with Miami - I'm sorry - New Orleans, I am reminded about all the money we aren't spending there to fix anything, so this wasn't a totally random series of thoughts. Let's just say that Ray Nagin's "it's been 5 years up in NYC and they have nothing to complain about - all they have to clean up is a hole in the ground" comment wasn't that far off.

Seriously, if they took the time to superimpose the Bears logo inside there, how much time would it have taken to at least find a storm that a) wasn't the most devastating natural disaster in our nation's history or b) was at least aimed at the right effin state, or c) move the crosshairs off New Orleans???? I'm sorry, but Bears fans are all a bunch of morons...

That is all.

Wow, almost a month. Sweet.

What can I say? Unless I get paid to be an author, you're not going to get much out of me! I'm only doing this to salute Columbus. Thanks, Chris, for getting me tomorrow off. It seems like I have plenty of deep thoughts to blog about, but lack the motivation to follow through. I blame work for making me think too much. It sucks the life out of me sometimes. :) Fortunately I'll practically be off for the next month so I should be refreshed... Why? Check out the schedule:

Oct 14: Shannon arrives!
Oct 15: Cologne
Oct 16-18: Prague
Oct 19: Frankfurt? Stuttgart? Scenic Hanau? Sleep?
Oct 20-21: Drink to 26 years of insanity in Berlin
Oct 22: Hopefully make it to the airport to ship Snorm back
Oct 25-26: Scenic Baumholder, Germany (Amie knows what I'm talking about. Go ahead, be jealous.)
Oct 27-Nov 2: Dad's visit (on the agenda: Belgium? Frenchies? He'll probably just want to see dirt AKA battlefields. I'm having vivid flashbacks to childhood vacations to Tennessee and Kentucky.)
Nov 4: Birthday fiesta chez Tara (everyone's invited though the ocean may prove to be a big barrier)
Nov 12-15ish: Colorado!! (I was accepted into a mentor program and get to travel there for orientation. I'll spend more time on the plane than at the conference, but that's cool. I'll also get to go TDY for a week sometime next year for my shadow assignment. I'm hoping for DC because that has the potential to get out of control. :) I could make up for lost time.)

After that my life will return to the boring mess it is now. Did I mention that I went to Munich for Oktoberfest last weekend? I even got away with two steins... ;)

My obligatory September post

Yes, I know I don't update. But what can I say? I don't do anything worth writing about. It's not like I've been touring the communist bloc or preparing to move or anything. I guess I should explain these things...

I spent Labor Day weekend in Vienna, Austria. We flew into Bratislava, Slovakia which means I got to visit my first ex-communist country! It was sweet because it's super cheap. The hotel even had a nice topless bar with lesbian strip show. No, I DID NOT GO TO IT! :) I just wish I had taken a pic of the sign as evidence, but who can make up things like that? I highly recommend Vienna to anyone--it's been my favorite place so far!

In late breaking news: I'll be moving in 4 days. There's nothing I love more than a last minute move! More details can be revealed via email once I can be assured that my actions are not tracked by my current landlord. :) hehehe You know I can't do anything without some kind of drama... :)

Other than that, not much new. :) I'm just looking forward to Oct 14: the arrival of Snorman!

Congratulations, Annemarie and Tim!

In honor of Annemarie and Tim's wedding last weekend, I've chosen some appropriate food-related baby names that will go with the last name Cook. :) This is a work in progress, so feel free to contribute!

Cookie

Apple

Plum

Peach(es)

Margarita

Cherry

Coco/Cocoa

Ambrosia

Mango

Chip

Chuck (beef!)

Jasmine (rice!)

Purvis (no joke: a 2-syllable boy's name of Anglo-Saxon/French origin, means: Food)

Brooke (just because it rhymes!)

Congratulations, Am and Tim!

Just call me Lisa

I know I haven't blogged lately, but I've been a combination of busy and lazy! The heat took it out of me--I even had photos to back me up, but had no desire to do more than lay around when the topic was relevant. Now that the heat is gone and the US is still super hot, I can't appropriately comment on it without fearing retribution. That does not mean that I want to hear any of you complain about the heat when you have air conditioning--try to work when it's 95 degrees without AC and then we'll talk.

Give me some good ideas if you want me to blog. I'm already working on Christine's suggestion about German Walmarts, among other things. :) Like Amie, I prefer to use this blog as a distraction at work. I won't ever publish my blog at work, but that wouldn't keep me from composing/brainstorming while there. Unfortunately I've had a challenging month in which I was doing more work than I care to admit. Topics that could be discussed if they de-bore themselves: Toby Keith concert from months ago, Rome, Strasbourg, and various Heidelberg weekends. Maybe a list of things I like and hate about Germany... or a weekly check on how much weight I've gained? :)

Things I like about Germany:
1. Getting my eyebrows done for $3.

Things I don't like about Germany:
1. Having to drive 75 minutes to Heidelberg to get my eyebrows done. Also having to wait 5 1/2 months to find a place to have it done, thereby scaring small children and proving that I made the right decision in not becoming a beautician.

Happy 4th of July (kinda)

Yeah, yeah, I'm 6 days late, blah blah blah. I just have to comment on my first true American holiday since moving to 'ze Fahzahland'. I spent most of the day lounging around the house. It was too hot to do anything else, as Europeans haven’t discovered the American invention called AIR CONDITIONING. They don’t think they “need” it when it’s 90 degrees outside because “it’s really not hot for that long”. Um, ten minutes was too long, but I’ll quit my whining.

There were fireworks somewhere on post, but I didn't go. Instead I watched the Germany/Italy game. Should I feel bad for skipping fireworks for a Germany game while sporting a Germany shirt and England bracelet? (At that point I still didn't believe that England had lost--denial. I was very angry that Portugal stole another Stuttgart weekend from me.) I'm pretty sure it's sacrilegious to be wearing England flair on the holiday that celebrates us telling them to kiss it. But... that's how I roll. :) The game lasted forever just to spite me. The ending made up for it, even though I was sad to see Germany lose. It was hilarious to hear the sudden silence in the neighborhood when Italy scored, only to be broken by a solitary, delayed NEIN! I guess you had to be there.

Happy Birthday, Scarlett and the Blog with no name!

I just realized that I started my blog one year ago today... and Scarlett hit 10,000 miles! If you're into numbers, here's a good one for you: I hit 10,000 miles, it was 100 degrees on my thermometer at the time, and I hit 110 on the autobahn. 0s and 10s will win you millions! I swear. If that's true, I get a cut!

One more lifelong dream accomplished...

My backlog of blogs is getting out of control. I still haven’t talked about Toby Keith, Belgium, or the many World Cup situations that I have encountered. I’ll go ahead and knock out the big one here: TARA WITH 50,000 HOOLIGANS!

I went to Stuttgart the weekend that England played Ecuador (yes, I know that was over 10 days ago). What a blast! At least it was until I started to speak… and then I got clever questions like: are you from America or something? I love throwing people into mass confusion—there aren’t a whole lot of American females out there that can list off England’s players and their corresponding Premiership team. (I do have to admit that I did occasionally whip out the fake British accent to avoid too much harassment… though really they do like Americans most of the time—we both speak English and that’s a big plus.)

Some fun chants that I enjoyed:

1. You can shove your f$#*%g Ballack up your ass. (Ballack plays for Germany and scored the goal that beat the US in 2002. He’s the reason my brother hates Germany. Well, among other things. Also an amusing song considering they weren’t even playing Germany.)
2. There were 5 German bombers in the air… and the RAF from England shot them down. (This song starts at 10 and works down like 99 Bottles of Beer. Yep, still not playing Germany.)
3. If you’re for England, shoes off. (Very amusing to see drunks attempt. – See photo below.)

Fun situations that improved my love of the Brits:

1. Getting called luv at least 3 times. I still laugh at that.
2. Getting compliments on my “suntan.” (Maybe that’s one of the corny pickup lines they teach in schools there?) Apparently the Brits love white girls with some color (I have photographic proof, but Jebus my hair looks scary) .… I got multiple comments in Stuttgart and Frankfurt about it or I would have thought it was a fluke.
   
3. Cutie (though obviously not bright) after 10 minutes of conversation: Where are you from? Me: The States Cutie: You’re American? Me: Um, yeah. That’s why I talk this way. Cutie: F%$&! All the pretty ones are.
4. “No really, I like Americans. Vegas is great!”

I met more fun Brits on the train, just as I did coming back from Kaiserslautern the weekend before. These guys were crazy—they stopped the Polizei every time they walked by on patrol to tell them that I was American. Luckily we had a calm train and they actually laughed about it. I had never seen before, and will likely never see again, a polizei laughing on duty. They might give me a hard time about being American (all in good fun, of course), but I could give it right back. Examples:

1. “Shouldn’t you be off starting a war?” My response: Sure. Grab a gun and let’s go. – Primarily is response to their larger distaste of Britain going to Iraq than the US starting it all.
2. A spider was crawling across the table. The Spanish chick tried to save it and the Brits tried to ignore it. They commented that I as an American would smash it. My response: “Actually, I’d grab a gun and shoot it.” They loved that one... Too bad I’m one of the four Americans that doesn’t own a gun… Too bad I didn’t blog before or I could have remember more than this.
   

I must not have been too “American” for them since they were trying to talk me into going to Hannover (or somewhere else far away?) with them instead of going to work. Well, I didn’t go to Hannover, but I didn’t go to work either. ;) I didn’t get home until 2am! Give me a break!

Overall the "hooligans" (none of the hardcore hooligans were there so I don't know that these peeps would count) were everything I hoped they would be. I have the videos to prove it--too bad I can't post them here. I missed out on all the riots that allegedly happened. I'll definitely be hitting up some games in the UK this fall. :) The night ended in such a typical way... There was another game on and they shut down the fan area because of thunderstorms. Basically they told 40,000 people to go find cover somewhere else. It was brilliant. Though I guess it was pretty dark... as you can see in this pic with Beckham. *tear*

Stupid idea #2359853

I've got my ticket booked for Stuttgart. That means I'll be spending Sunday with English fans. I'll try not to get arrested, but I'm not going to promise anything. haha Who knows how rowdy they might get if England lose? :) Saturday it's either Leipzig or Frankfurt depending on how adventurous I want to be... what will I do with myself when World Cup is over? :)

Not quite the Quidditch World Cup, but close...

Best… weekend… ever… I went to Kaiserslautern to watch the USA/Italy game at the fanfest area, since I couldn’t actually score tickets without selling my soul. For the first time in four months, I was able to walk around and act American without feeling like a jackass. I knew it was okay when I saw this sign:

I got there around noon to meet my new friend, Erika. I have now resorted to international harassment to get people to do things with me, as she met me there from France. Thanks, Trisha, for supporting my wannabe hooliganism. On the train from Frankfurt I met a guy that works for ESPN who ended up hanging out with us for the day. He seriously has the coolest job ever. He spent a month in France for the French Open, scored a ticket for the World Cup during his 5 days off, and will be going to London for the next few weeks for Wimbledon. That’s the kind of job I want!

I also found out where I want to go on my next vacation: Trinidad and Tobago. Those people rock, though they sent some crazy blue devils after me during the parade/carnival (see below). I just wish I had a video of the freaky dance thing they were doing. I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but that… was… awesome! I’m ticked off I couldn’t find a good T&T shirt before I left. (In fact, I didn’t get any souvenirs, which is quite disappointing considering I was there for 16 hours.) They didn’t really have much and THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT WEEKEND! Hopefully I’ll be going to Stuttgart to hang out with the hooligans and watch England beat… Germany? Tomorrow is a crucial day in the planning of Tara’s weekend…

It was all fun and games until the match started… That’s when international friendliness flew out the window. After Italy’s goal, the moron about 5 feet from me decided to light off a flare. This is not an intelligent idea when there are pissed off looking German security guards 50 feet from you, though I don’t know that they ever caught the guy. He lit it and bolted… I thought a brawl was going to start when an American put it out with his beer. Also, not a good idea… and seriously: why waste beer!?! I also enjoyed when an American got on his buddy’s shoulders to wave his flag around. Italian guy decided he would like to do it too… and then proceeded to start a flag jousting match. I’m good at picking the troublemakers in the crowd. What better way to make it on to ESPN?

Two or three red cards later and it was really on. I am soooo glad there was a draw or there might have been some craziness. I knew it was bad as soon as the riot cam showed up after the first goal. For those that don’t know, the riot cam is the helicopter that’s sent out for crowd surveillance. I will not comment on the officiating of the game. I will only refer you to this article, which properly displays how much the USA got screwed (notice it’s British, which means impartial): http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/world_cup_2006/4853182.stm

It’s fun having crazy Italian guys talk to you in babbly Italian… I would always turn to my friend, who speaks Spanish, as if that were the same thing and she would instantly translate. Those Italians sure are kissy. Jebus.

It’s great how you meet people at these things. I know Erika met her soulmate when a guy who had been peeing on the side of a building asked us to hold his beer while he zipped his pants. I let her take that one… Ends up this fool hangs out in Frankfurt and told us where to go to meet up with him. Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

About 6 hours after the game was over, we finally got on our train home. That was certainly a highlight since we were in the last car near the bathroom. One would think that a train leaving at 4am would not be full. Wrong. I’m just glad I got a seat (actually, I’m pretty sure we stole them from some Italians—you steal our game, we steal your seats, bitches). Let’s just say there was never only one person in the bathroom and God knows what was going on in there most of the time.

Everyone likes to harass me about my newly developed love of beer, but it helped me make new friends (well, the kind you talk to for awhile and never see again, but still…) Even Australians with kangaroos on their heads! I had many people ask me if I actually drank the 5 beers in the cups I was holding. Of course! I was thirsty and fizzy water sucks! It got me talking to 3 British fans, who scored tickets for the game from someone they met at a bar! The sad thing is they had extra tickets that went unused… They entertained me for an hour on the train and 90 minutes in Mannheim—they got extra points for saying that everyone in the stadium thought the US got screwed by the refs on multiple occasions. I learned a lot about English football and they helped me narrow down my choices for which football club I’ll follow next year. J

Amusing British quote in reference to the Mexico/Angola game: “We’ve never seen so many Mexicans before. It was amazing… Was the border empty?” Wow. I didn’t know Europeans could make jokes like that!!

Tara’s English chant education: “Two World Wars and One World Cup” (to be used by English fans when playing Germany… or at any time to annoy Germans.)

Getting home at 8am and having a mild sunburn might suck, but this was definitely the best weekend I’ve had since I’ve been in Germany. Too bad I couldn’t put it all on here. J It might have beaten out DC too… But that’s not hard considering I’m a nerd.

Anyone up for South Africa in '10? And please, no comments on the hair. I know it was bad that day.

World Cup Random Thought: Nummer 1

As I sat here watching the England/Paraguay game, I began to wonder how the Germans fans would let English hooligans show them up on the noise factor. My conclusion? Only Budweiser is sold at the games because no German beers stepped up to take one for the team and make a cheap bid. I think the German fans were calm because they couldn't lower themselves to drink bad beer and therefore did not have enough alcohol to make them properly boisterous.

You may be asking why I'm at home instead of partying it up in Frankfurt with the hooligans that I'm so desperate to meet. Simple answer: the Army sent out a warning that there would be 30-50 THOUSAND English hooligans (presumably drunk) cruising the streets and that "clashes were likely to follow". I still was all about going (in fact, it may have encouraged me more), but apparently soldiers get barred from going. Ah, what a tease this weekend has been... I still have one trick up my sleeve, but I will reveal that at a later time just in case it falls through. :)

What will I be when I grow up?

Thanks, Amie. I wish this was actually true... I could use a good nap.

Finally

I took the plunge and bought a satellite decoder. I may not get any good American channels, but I do get Al Jazeera, TV Monde, and Die Erste! How thrilling. Actually there are a few channels in English: CNBC Europe, BBC World, CNN International and Sky News. I try to stick to BBC... American media aren't what they used to be. One day I may speak with a British accent as a joke. It's already been discussed with a coworker, but a dare has not been officially issued. Oh, and how could I forget MTV. It's fun watching Nick Lachey drop the bomb without it being bleeped. About 80% of the stuff on there is in English with German subtitles. The only American show that I've seen dubbed is American Dad. Yeah, that makes sense. You all know how much I hate MTV... it's really taken a lot to dumb myself down enough to watch it.

I also purchased my first Region 2/PAL DVDs for my region free DVD player. It's cheaper to buy from the Germans than tax free from the Americans. Fabulous. My purchases: der Soldat James Ryan (Saving Private Ryan) and Old School: Unzensiert (Old School: Unrated). Yes, I already have backup copies of these movies, but I'm a big fan of humor and irony. Plus it's funny to switch between German and English audio. I will leave this topic untouched so that you smartasses can go to town.

Plan for tomorrow: a trip to a free Toby Keith concert (if I can convince myself to miss bowling day!!)

No Stairway? Denied!

Okay, so I may have been a little ticked off when U2 came to DC on my birthday only to find out that I would have to spend 2 weeks in scenic Fort Jackson, South Carolina studying the ins and outs of Army financial management. It just got worse considering I had been asked to go to the concert when tickets were going for several hundred dollars on Ebay. (He may have been drunk, but I still considered it a legit offer.)

Similar situations keep popping up here. I got an offer to go to Paris this weekend. Naturally I'll probably be working late on Friday and already have plans for the weekend. I am convinced that I only get offers when another offer has already been extended. Keep in mind that I haven't done anything the last couple weekends (well, excluding the crazy bonfire and my pathetic attempt to act like I'm in college again). Just my luck. At least I'll get to see some football this weekend. It may be NFL Europe, but I'm sure there are occasionally some decent plays.

The ultimate slap to the face: the World Cup will be 20 miles away from me. Not only that, but England will be playing there and everyone knows of my passion to see real life hooligans (from a safe distance, of course.) Plus I like to operate under the assumption that I would meet a smart, well-mannered British hottie at the game, thus allowing me to quit working forever. Or at least quit working for awhile. I'd get bored. I swear the FIFA website is the most worthless bit of technology ever created. It teases me by saying there are tickets available only to be denied after several attempts. I don't even want to see the US play. They probably suck. I just want to hit up some England/Paraguay. There always seem to be tickets available for the Iran and Tunisia games. I suppose unless I want to see Iran (which has been all but banned by the Army - not that I'm that stupid anyway), I'll be watching this at home if I can manage to hook up a satellite decoder by then. Watching soccer in German can be nothing but fun. This rocks.

The Florida Gators aren't the only "in" gators this year...

Such is my luck. I left a DC area gator only to find another promptly upon my arrival to Deutschland. This gator hunt, however, has helped to further expand the gator definition as well as add other terms to the Tara lexicon.

Definitions to be explored in this blog: reptile, gator, cheetah, poisonous dart frog, jaguar – remember, this is a work in progress and is subject to change at any time without notice.

REPTILE/AMPHIBIAN: To keep it easy, we’ll call all men reptiles or amphibians. These terms are interchangeable and any specific species can be utilized depending on the characteristics of a specific male. (EXCEPTION: a certain individual would prefer to be addressed as da mule. We'll humor him.)

GATOR (old definition): Creepy stalker who creates reasons to track and/or hunt unsuspecting prey. (Author’s note: The prey was previously referred to as the wildebeest. This changed when the prey saw a picture and decided that wildebeests are ugly. Perhaps a cute cheetah, leopard, or something of that nature will be used in the future. SEE BELOW.) The gator often remains in the shadows while investigating the prey’s habitat (Example: staring at the prey’s empty cubicle for no apparent reason while she is gone for two weeks of training.) Prey remains clueless because she prefers to think that she has no gators.

GATOR (new definition): Overly enthusiastic, recently hatched prowler who bestows unwanted attention on the prey. The gator vocalizes his enjoyment of courting activities such as snout touching and backrubbing. Fortunately his feminine side prevents him from taking action on these desires. The prey of this gator has changed from clueless/naive and now assumes that all reptiles/amphibians are gators, thereby avoiding reptiles/amphibians altogether in order to evade additional awkwardness.

CHEETAH: New definition for the PREY. Cheetahs only become the prey when they are too lazy to do anything else (see picture above). The cheetah prefers to be the aggressor and can run away at high speeds from any gators (Example: a cheetah can fly down the autobahn at 100mph to leave the gator stranded at his swamphole.) Besides, what cheetah needs a gator when she has a rabbit around? (That last line is an inside joke. Do not attempt to get an explanation. There is none.)

POISONOUS DART FROG: This companion to the gator and (in this case) cheetah often finds himself making bad decisions when it comes to giving advice to the gator. This animal seems friendly enough but has enough venom to drop a monkey. The poisonous dart frog encourages the gator to stalk the prey despite the frequent requests of the cheetah to stop these activities. This does not in any way endear the poisonous dart frog to the cheetah and will likely lead to the poisonous dart frog becoming an “it” before too long.

JAGUAR: Close in relation to the cheetah, but not quite as cool. The jaguar is the close friend of the cheetah and often helps the cheetah “keep it real” when it comes to the gator. In the cheetah’s absence, the gator may find himself talking to the jaguar in order to get information about his prey. He will come to the jaguar as he “struggles” without the cheetah. The cheetah and jaguar have been known to throw the Sahara into upheaval by playing pranks on the lions and tigers. Thankfully speed is the ally of both the jaguar and cheetah and they have been able to escape (so far).

Bottom line: It might be wise to take the advice of the National Park Service: never get within 15 feet of the gator.

Further documentation: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3903967.stm